Every new beginning starts with some other beginnings end…
So here I am… back in LA… except I can’t explain it… it’s just… better…
Someone said to me (on facebook of course) what could have possibly changed in 3 months that LA will be any different this time around??
Well… how about a great (stable) job… awesome roommates… living in the South Bay… totally kick ass and supportive friends… LOTS of boy options (really, LOTS)… great new hobbies (albeit probably dangerous one, well one in particular ha)…
I guess I can’t really explain it… everything just feels different now…
That being said, here in like the last 2 weeks I’ve been hating myself. Things are going SO good and I let “him” weasel back into my brain. It’s like a plague, and there’s just no cure… I’m really really hoping the “it takes 1/2 the time you were in a relationship to get over it” theory pans out because if that’s the case I only have like, um a year or a little more to go before I’m totally over it…
I just really hate myself for still wanting him…
for still thinking about him…
for crying over him STILL…
for checking my stupid trash email like a mad man every few minutes *just* in case he emailed me… (yeah yeah I’m setting it up to go straight to spam… tomorrow… maybe…)
for letting the one person who was closest to me for so long continue to hurt and disrespect me even after we are long done and over…
for not ending it sooner or well actually sticking to my words when I did try to end it…
Part of me really does want him to be happy… and part of me wants him to suffer for the pain he’s caused…
I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before but man, I am like the worlds biggest emotional cutter… I lock myself in my head for hours on end and saw away…
What’s really sad, is that I’ve met some pretty amazing guys in the last couple of months but I have this roadblock (the “him” roadblock I think) where I just can’t seem to make it over that mental barricade to give them a decent chance…
You know, I think I’m just pms’ing. My life is so much better now, just about drama free and just FUN. I don’t think I miss “him” so much as having a companion. That’s what I miss is someone to come home to and bat around ideas about my active directory project I’m completely stuck on but too proud to admit it to anyone important. Although I did sorta say it. Someone to cuddle with and veg the night away watching the boob tube (not literally boob tube, I just like saying that).
Meh, whatev. On my final note. I’m totally and completely STOKED to go home in 2 weeks. I miss the fam and my friendz and I just need my Iowa dose. Oh and I’m completely and totally STOKED to go to the Iowa game!! Go HAWKS!!! 
Now hopefully they’ll beat Northwestern and Ohio State before then and NOT break this amazing undefeated streak. Who knew football was so damn exciting?
ps if anyone out there that reads this knows of any Iowa bar in LA or the South Bay that is NOT Barney’s Beanery in Santa Monica PLEASE please please tell me. Thanks to jerk and his rotten friends I’m afraid I can no longer go there. I think it’s pretty gay I can’t go to the only Iowa bar in Southern Cali thanks to the only other 2 people I know in California from Iowa but that’s just my effin luck.
You can take the girl out of the midwest but you can’t take the midwest out of the girl… apparently…