Another holiday down. One more to go!

I really really can’t wait for 2009 to end. It’s been one serious rollercoaster.

At least I’ve got my head in a good place.

Well, I planned on coming home to visit the family for 3 days. Wed – Sat. Wouldn’t ya know it the blizzard that was supposed to hit Wed night and be done by Friday just kept going to Saturday so when we left for the airport the interstates were closed and I couldn’t get there. This is where I start hyperventilating. I could probably handle being stranded in Des Moines, but Mitchell South Dakota??? Uh no. I’m constantly on the go, rarely do I sit home and just veg out, so sitting in the house for 4 freaking days made me want to kill myself. I don’t know how people do it.

Finally Sunday the roads were ok enough to at least get around so me and some friends went out to have a little fun. And by a little fun I mean getting drunk and riding snowmobiles around haha. Yeah… in hindsight probably not such a great idea but hey, at least I’ll have those memories forever. Or climbing that snow mountain… Yeah, that was fun…

But if nothing else I can say I got to spend some much needed quality time with the parental units and siblings. But in all honesty, well, I really can’t get back to LA fast enough.

I did manage to accomplish a couple of things. For starters, I got a new tattoo. Yes, a plan devised as we took shots in the Letcher bar the night before and severely hung over at the actual time of inking. But got it done. Anyone who knows me even a little bit I think knows that I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve. If I love you, you know. If I hate you, you know it. Sooooo I found it only fitting that I get a heart well, on my sleeve. It’s just a little heart on my wrist. What’s super rad about it though is it’s filled in with a spiral. This is really just to represent the emotional turmoil I’ve been through this last year. It’s been really rough and I’m proud to say that things are finally good.

I’m finally over my ex. Sure I still have those “aw” moments but I don’t long for him the way I did. I feel pretty fortunate that I’ve got a really great group of friends who were pretty great at being supportive through the process. The months where every other word out of my mouth was nate this or nate that.

It is funny the adjustments I find myself making, at first consciously but now naturally. For instance I’ve began saying something like, “an old friend of mine…” when referring to some story or anything relative to “him”. I think this was a crucial turning point for me. I think a huge prompt for that turning point was meeting someone I really liked though.

That stuff always happens when you least expect it. And I forgot that feeling when you first meet someone you really click with and you want to know everything about each other and spend time with each other. I found myself making time for him which I just don’t do for any guy. Ever. I wasn’t able to be so nonchalant about this one for some reason…

But it was short lived. I realized that I got all tied up in knots over this guy just exactly like with my ex and I decided that’s just not for me. If anything resembles anything about my previous relationship. I’m out. Done. Not going there. At first this guy was a total 180 from the ex but then I started seeing behaviors that rang a little too close to home so to speak… So in the interest of breaking old habits, I guess, I decided this is def not going to be a significant relationship for me. And just as fast and strong as it started. It ended.

The only unfortunate thing about that is well, I really needed to meet that person, to feel those butterflies again, and to just be excited about someone else, to really be able to get over it. This is unfortunate because I really wanted to do this on my own. Get over it on my own. But whatever. It worked out and I’m a ton happier now than I was mourning my old relationship. I’m just glad it only took a little over a year instead of the 2-3 years everyone thought it was going to take.

That’s what happens when you plan on spending your life with someone and it all falls apart I guess. There is no reason to rush the rest of your life. Especially when it comes to finding someone you might spend the REST of your life with. You know what they say, your significant other is the only family you get to pick, so you better make it good.

It’s the end of a fantabulous 4 day weekend. Such a good weekend. I gotta say, I was nervous about spending Thanksgiving in LA. Despite being here for 2 1/2 years I have gone home to see my family for every holiday. Well, except the 1st xmas here where we went to Hawaii, which was freakin awesome btw.

There was a really big group of us midwesterners and we all gathered at a friends house in Manhattan Beach. My friend, who’s house it was, cooked this big turkey and we all brought a little something. I contributed beer ha. I’m not into the whole cooking thing. But I gotta say, it was by far (sorry mom) the best Turkey day I have had in a very very long time.

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So here I am…  back in LA… except I can’t explain it… it’s just… better…

Someone said to me (on facebook of course) what could have possibly changed in 3 months that LA will be any different this time around??

Well…  how about a great (stable) job… awesome roommates… living in the South Bay… totally kick ass and supportive friends… LOTS of boy options (really, LOTS)… great new hobbies (albeit probably dangerous one, well one in particular ha)…

I guess I can’t really explain it… everything just feels different now…

That being said, here in like the last 2 weeks I’ve been hating myself. Things are going SO good and I let “him” weasel back into my brain. It’s like a plague, and there’s just no cure… I’m really really hoping the “it takes 1/2 the time you were in a relationship to get over it” theory pans out because if that’s the case I only have like, um a year or a little more to go before I’m totally over it…

I just really hate myself for still wanting him…

for still thinking about him…

for crying over him STILL…

for checking my stupid trash email like a mad man every few minutes *just* in case he emailed me… (yeah yeah I’m setting it up to go straight to spam… tomorrow… maybe…)

for letting the one person who was closest to me for so long continue to hurt and disrespect me even after we are long done and over…

for not ending it sooner or well actually sticking to my words when I did try to end it…

Part of me really does want him to be happy… and part of me wants him to suffer for the pain he’s caused…

I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before but man, I am like the worlds biggest emotional cutter…  I lock myself in my head for hours on end and saw away…

What’s really sad, is that I’ve met some pretty amazing guys in the last couple of months but I have this roadblock (the “him” roadblock I think) where I just can’t seem to make it over that mental barricade to give them a decent chance…

You know, I think I’m just pms’ing. My life is so much better now, just about drama free and just FUN. I don’t think I miss “him” so much as having a companion. That’s what I miss is someone to come home to and bat around ideas about my active directory project I’m completely stuck on but too proud to admit it to anyone important. Although I did sorta say it. Someone to cuddle with and veg the night away watching the boob tube (not literally boob tube, I just like saying that).

Meh, whatev. On my final note. I’m totally and completely STOKED to go home in 2 weeks. I miss the fam and my friendz and I just need my Iowa dose. Oh and I’m completely and totally STOKED to go to the Iowa game!! Go HAWKS!!! Now hopefully they’ll beat Northwestern and Ohio State before then and NOT break this amazing undefeated streak. Who knew football was so damn exciting?

ps if anyone out there that reads this knows of any Iowa bar in LA or the South Bay that is NOT Barney’s Beanery in Santa Monica PLEASE please please tell me. Thanks to jerk and his rotten friends I’m afraid I can no longer go there. I think it’s pretty gay I can’t go to the only Iowa bar in Southern Cali thanks to the only other 2 people I know in California from Iowa but that’s just my effin luck.

You can take the girl out of the midwest but you can’t take the midwest out of the girl… apparently…

I pack my case. I check my face.
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.
For reasons unknown.

I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny’s kind, I’ve got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it dont beat, it dont beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they dont see you no more.
And my lips, they dont kiss, they dont kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don’t recognize you no more.

Courtesy of The Killers who totally rocked the house at the Hollywood Bowl last night. Great show!

The places life takes you is so interesting. You really have to roll with punches or you could find yourself in a really bad situation mentally and emotionally… It all just depends on how you handle it.

I can’t help but reminded of things every single day from what feels like a previous life…

Anywayyyy, just one of those days you get in your own head and in my case, that’s just not a good place to ever be.

I haven’t blogged in a while and I have some uncommon downtime at the moment so I thought what the hay! ha

Things sure have changed a lot in the last month. I up and moved to Phoenix, started yet another job but glad I had a whole month to get aquainted with Phoenix and get all movecd in and settled into my new apartment with my new roommate. There’s adjustment pains I think but you’re going to have that no matter what I think.

I was just perusing facebook and saw some of my friends pics from a “wine night” the girls had and it makes me reminisce about a time when I thought these girls were going to become really good friends of mine. That’s sad. But that’s LA.

I’m from Iowa. Sure you have to hang out with people to get to know them and truly become good friends but I feel like we don’t fake it. If we like people we hang out with them, if we don’t like them we don’t. Simple. Not in LA. I spent months hanging out and developing (so I thought) relationships with these girls and in the end I found myself alone, in LA, jobless, soon to be homeless and just really lonely. Even now thinking back, it makes me sad. If only I had had that wonderful LA experience so many people I know or have talked to have had.

So far in Phoenix I’ve met a lot of really great people. I have people to call when I want to do something, I have people to call when I need to talk, I can actually find a ride to/from the airport. I can afford to live here.

The funny thing is I was called and/or offered quite a few jobs before I left LA but the pay was just ridiculous for the cost of living there. What’s funny about that is I took a job here making what I was being offered in LA and I pay 1/4 of the rent. It’s kinda crazy.

Adjusting to living with yet another roommate is challenging. I feel like all my roommates have been so different and you just can’t ever get a good idea of how well you are going to mesh with someone unless you know that person prior to moving in with them. And that’s not always the best situation. I’ve known tons of people who are no longer friends after living together. Honestly, I don’t really get the people who say they love their roommates and are like bff’s with them. I guess they just got REALLY lucky.

Anyway that’s my 2cents for the day.